Rainbows New Adventure 

When it’s time for your last born to start school & by this I mean ‘big school’ not their Pre school, the one where they go all day every day & are no longer by your side. For most Mums & Dads this is a very exciting time with lots of emotions about settling in, making friends, will they be ok? Getting that important ‘me’ time back but for those that their last born is their rainbow baby it’s very different.

Having lost a child before Logan came along it makes this time of year extremely worrying, with only afew months until he starts year R I’m panicking on a daily basis, comparing this to when my first daughter started, that was a lot easier.

I am now filled with sheer terror something will happen to him, what if he walks out of the classroom unnoticed? Or the playground? What if he chokes on his lunch? What if he gets lost while going to the toilet? What if he starts crying? I’m not there to help & comfort him, this makes my heart rip inside, but most of all if he decided to try returning home & escaping. I’m sure most will read this & think I’m silly, it’s a school of course that won’t happen & it’s unheard of yes but what if? 

My life is full of what if’s because it’s those that actually come true, I now see down the line & see things that could happen, yes it’s rare but it still could!

Having to live like this is hell, most will know it’s because after loosing Hollie, I’ve become an extremely protective parent after all it’s happened once, it could again so my job is to do what I can to make sure it doesn’t while also trying to let him be a child, explore, have fun & enjoy his younger days while making the best memories.

He is very much looking forward to starting school where his bigger sister goes, so over the last few months & those to follow I am preparing him for things like stranger danger, staying where you are told, stick to pavements, looking while crossing a road, toilet trips on his own to help us both deal with this huge change however I don’t think any amount of help is going to calm or ‘fix’ me, after speaking to a doctor about my separation anxieties & the school who have been amazing at showing me it’s going to be ok I am still a wreck & pretty sure I will be camping outside the school to make sure he’s ok! 

This has been my ‘job’ now for such a long time, I’m use to one going to school as another comes along until this time there’s no more coming along, I kind of feel redundant & put on the shelf, it’s an exciting time full of opportunities I’ve not experienced & I will be keeping busy for my minds sake with working but this unimaginable, it’s something only parents like me will feel fully & I have to not let it show so my fears don’t rub off on him masking his lovely positive attitude towards his new adventure. 


I thought the fears would disappear once he arrived safely in my arms, I was so wrong….they had only just begun! 



Natalie 📚

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For Hollie. 

Her graceful little face,Her tiny fingers too,

Wrapped around my heart,

Like her wings that she grew.

She was just too beautiful,

So innocent and still,

My broken heart belongs to her,

And it always will.

The world is just too cruel,

So angry and so cold,

To take away the one,

That I always long to hold.

I know that she is there,

Always by my side,

Holding tightly onto me,

As the angel feathers fly.


By Leah G (Hollie’s Auntie)



Natalie 🎀

Living with a Tween!! 

As you’re all probably aware my eldest is 12 years old, up until now parenting has been well, hard! & now it’s erm well still hard but a different kind. 

Those of you with serval children will be aware of all the different styles, ways & survival tips of not only bringing them up but how different everything you try works with one but may not the other so when you think you’ve nailed it child number two decides to drag you through hell to tell you otherwise while child three is sat there laughing! 

I’ve been warned for many years about this next chapter which is just around the corner for Kieran & as a Tween (pre teen) we are getting a fine taster of things to come! I’m pretty sure this is the part my parents were referring to when they would whisper “Just you wait” followed by a grin when we were struggling with the toddler stage. 

The only experience I have is what I did or got up to so I’m pretty much screwed, I didn’t treat my parents with much respect, shouted at them, ate all the food as it was bought, skipped school, told them I was sleeping over a friends but really walking the streets with our bottles of Strong Bow, thinking back I’m not even sure why I mean walking around the same area every time, that’s boring! 

So this doesn’t give me much hope as this brings me on to recent events we’ve been having with our Tween.

Im hated!! Utterly end of the world hated because im making him take sandwiches to school, because I stopped the friend visits after school as no homework has been done this year & the school are lecturing me! (Despite all the cooking, washing, picking up, making sure they have clothes etc I do)

“For god’s sake!” Is the only reply I’ve received since the beginning of the year, unless a phone or tablet is in use then this reply becomes “uurrgg” followed occasionally with a head bob. 

I can’t remember the colour of his eyes as I haven’t seen them in so long, the top of his head however is looking messy & greasy! 

There is now a favourite item of clothing in the form of a rather large grey hoodie that apparently goes with everything even food & it’s one of those items that wash itself seeing as the poor thing hasn’t been allowed to visit the washing machine since purchased before Christmas 2015! 

He has grown a mobile phone on the end of his right hand, this can be detached once asleep. 

All those words that he learnt as a toddler & were in use all of his life suddenly left & he is now restricted to around a 20 word vocabulary. 

The shower doesn’t exist.

They never have homework….apparently. 

Belongings like to get shared throughout the family home being left in various locations for you to trip over, sit on or just generally take up all the room, these don’t ever get returned to owners room….ever!

Then we have the attitude, wow I mean really if it was someone else my response would be very different! Calling to find out when he would be home as he’s late so rejecting Mum’s calls is obviously the best thing to do but just to make sure I’ll finish off with a tx “What’s up, can’t talk im busy” oh hell no you didn’t! Busy is when you’re trying to drive with two other children fighting & your planning dinner & finding out where the pain in the ass is! 

Attitude of I’m gonna shout how much I’m not gonna do what your asking then sit in front of you with fingers in ears & state “I’m not listening to you!” Seriously, you wanna go down that road?! 

When asked why lunch wasn’t eaten at school today & brought back home but can happily munch on a chocolate bar, “Really, oh I’m sure I ate it, yeah I did…I think”, erm not so much!

So this Tween stage is a just a taster of things to come? Surely we are there already, this isn’t something that can happen daily for the next 5,6,7 years is it? 

  


Damn, I was such a pain in the ass!  (Apologies to all I crossed paths with at 12-17yrs old)



Natalie 🏅

Fun in the Forest.

Today Im going to share our family weekend fun we had in The New Forest in Hampshire, we combined our love for Geocaching with entertaining the kids on a cheep budget so this was perfect.

I spent a lot of my own childhood camping in The New Forest at Denny Wood not far from Lyndhurst so that was definitely on the list. 

We started off with a short afternoon walk in the sun on Saturday afternoon grabbing afew caches along the way, it’s amazing what beautiful locations we find while on our travels that we didn’t even know where round the corner. We managed to do 3 miles before time was against us & had to get back to normal life & get some food. 

   

    
 

As we didn’t get too much covered we planned a longer walk for Sunday.

We headed straight for Denny Wood Sunday morning & found a cache of the same name, in the description the owner explained their love of the area too which was nice to share, we began walking & 2 hours later, it felt like we had walked the whole forest not just afew miles but we finally found it then moved on to some others where we found some beautiful land just before sunset with a heard of Deer & their babies grazing with the ponies, photos didn’t show a fraction of how beautiful & peaceful this was, we sat on a wooden bridge watching them for a while before heading back to the car to return home again very late but after a brilliant weekend. 

   

    
 

The New Forest has got to be one of my favourite places to be, I’ve spent so much time there, nothing really changes, everything is natural with little interference from ‘us’.

Looking forward to more days out here over the summer, there is no better feeling than loading the car with kids, food & petrol, heading out to the open with minimal interaction from humans. 


Natalie 🌼

Newquay 

It’s been a while since our last family holiday, Logan wasn’t very old & still in a travel cot & needing everything including the kitchen sink!

We use to do the Sun holidays twice a year at least, family time is very important to us so I book them as we returned from one! However since the new rules about taking children out of school & facing a fine we haven’t chanced it so we’ve had to wait this long to get a booking in half term.

I booked Newquay last year for the Easter hols, as it was starting to near I changed to my normal panic moaning mode & started organising care for our animals, lists, packing, cleaning the car, new tires while my family carried on a normal, clearly  I’m the only one that can do these tasks!

So the car is packed to the point of bursting, plenty of food, house locked we can go!! The dreaded 4hr drive with 3 children, what have I done? Why did I not get something closer? We had done the drive before but with only two at the time which wasn’t so bad & they mostly slept, this time not one child did! 

We hadn’t been on the road long & yep you guessed it the questions about how long & ‘Are we there yet?’ started even though it was explained to all before we left, the day before, the week before & the week before that, silly me to think that would be enough! 

Once we arrived after a lengthy drive with stop off for more food (what we had wasn’t enough either) we got given our accommodation for the week….and relax! Bliss, everything was quiet, we had a whole week together, no work, no school, just fun!! 

We began unpacking to get some sleep ready for adventures early the next day, or that was the plan!

Logan had other ideas, he didn’t want to sleep in the bed he was given or any bed for that matter or away from me! So by 3am I gave up & we fell asleep together in original bed given. 

Next morning with such a rough night we or should I say me couldn’t be arsed to move to be honest not only had I been up most of the night but had also had a rough previous four nights sleep stressing about getting here in the first place, we carried on with original plans regardless to take Logan to a dinosaur park as he loves them with a passion. We had a good exhausting day, left there late so thought yep this is it he will sleep tonight &  he did! He developed a great fondness for his new ‘holiday bed’ & slept all night every night. Us however being given a hard double when you have the biggest, softest bed complete with memory foam at home where your feet don’t hang over the edge didn’t sleep for the whole damn week!!! 

  

  

This was going on to be the most exhausting holiday I have ever experienced, the moods were getting bigger along with the bags under our eyes, we did afew days out but tired so quickly it wasn’t being enjoyed as well as our past ones, surely we deserved this well awaited break?! 

One our last day we had put off going to the Eden Project til now as we thought it was just about plants despite it being on our bucket list for afew years we thought sod it lets just go!

We had the best day out!! This isn’t what we expected at all, it was fun, the kids loved it, we loved it, it was what we had been wanting all week, finally some smiling faces just a shame it was on the last day.

   

 The drive home was awful we got stuck in traffic, again the kids didn’t sleep it off at all, I developed what can only be described as hell in my head with the worst migraine of my life so much so that I was sick when we walked in the door at 10pm.

On a positive we did mange to pop by Mevagissey for afew minutes, I use to have holidays there as a child & it was very overwhelming to return & see all my memories again, everything was exactly the same.


Looking back it wasn’t all the bad we still achieved what we set out to, spending time together, that’s all we really wanted, everything in between is a bonus. 


And in true me style I booked another the day after we came back for July, so more adventures from us to come. 



Natalie 🏄🏽

Family Life. 

Wow!! How long has it been since my last post?! I didn’t realise how bad I’ve got recently, yes I’m gonna use that word again BUSY! I don’t seem to stop & suddenly afew months have pasted. 

So what have we been up to? This is exciting part, are you ready?…..fuck all!! No really, my days are filled with the same thing I was doing afew months ago, the weather has changed slightly so we’ve moved our attention to sorting outside the house rather than in but that’s pretty much all that’s changed, I know I was shocked to, so much fun ay?! 

  

In all seriousness it’s been a little fun as the space in the garden is slowly coming back from the depths of a dumping ground it was used for so long as, looking nice with brightly coloured flowers again, it makes me smile to see the kids running around it again, laughing & us all getting involved together as a family to achieve this, we’ve stayed up half the night some weekends to get things done while the kids are in bed spreading grass seed on our patchy lawn with a flood light, God knows what the neighbours think of us especially when I start hoovering my decking!! I managed to spend a lot of time resorting an old brown painters ladder which included sanding, re painting, new hinges, distressed & coated for protection to a beautiful white shabby flower stand, I’m quite pleased for my first proper attempt at a garden piece I’ve done some indoor furniture but never something to go through the elements so it needed extra protection. Our proud moment came when it was time to empty our 12ft pool that has been left untouched since last year, after removing the top layer of fallen leaves it was confirmed that it wasn’t just looking black it was in actual fact just that black! During the emptying process we quickly realised we had a whole new echo system growing within our pool, every bug known to man I think had decided to set up home with us & bring their kids, they chose us, I’m delighted however it was time to be evicted!! This took all day to clean but was worth it.

  

Next step is to partly cover the back garden in some artificial grass as we had major problems maintaining a good lawn in the front it’s put us off for life doing the same in the back but we still want some green! We are almost there!

  

Other events that haven’t been blogged over the months are the endless birthdays literally one sometimes three in a week since January including my own which was a complete flop as usual, the husband used the excuse of ‘Babe I’m really struggling with ideas to get you’ He moans 8pm the night before!!! Excellent, well there’s not much you can do now is there! Least it was a different reason from last year I guess. Logan was also very poorly so we both were sleep deprived, covered in sick & generally not in the mood. We luckily now have afew months break from the birthdays.

We had a family holiday to Newquay which will be in another post.

Logan has been well with school continuing to enjoy time with his friends, play & grow, I’m hoping to change a day of his hours soon allowing him to go during a normal school day so that I do something more productive with my time rather than having a quick fart before another school run! Plans include more riding as that’s what us horsey people do this time of year, doing a course in animal care from home & or a small job depending if I can find one for just one day (9.30-2.30) a week & they wont mind me not working if kids are sick & during the holidays….. I like my chances! 


So that’s hopefully gonna be life over the next few months, that’s pretty much what we’ve been up to & I’ll update as much as I can along the way with afew giggles, moans & abit of love. 
Natalie 🍃

Hollie’s 4th birthday.

It’s been a few weeks since her birthday, but I couldn’t face talking about it at the time it was a very hard time.

The weeks leading up to it were difficult remembering what I went through those years ago, thinking what should have been & how much she would of changed by now.

We celebrated her birthday by taking afew presents & flowers down to her & making her look pretty we then returned home for her cake.

   

   

Most friends & family sent their wishes & thoughts on such a difficult day which was comforting but with a pitiful two cards on the shelf compared to her older brothers birthday two weeks before with one from everyone set me off realising no one was going to make the effort anymore like previous years & I guess why would they over someone who isn’t here anymore it’s only important to me! Which got me thinking how long will I? You don’t still buy a card for a Grandparent that has passed yet I do for my daughter along with many other Angel parents as it doesn’t feel right to leave her out. Maybe one year it will feel ok to not do it imagine it will be when she would of been older at ‘leaving the nest’ sort of age.

I received some honest, sort of firm but well needed words from my Dad, who by the way is known for doing so (in a good way), which opened my eyes a little.

To begin they sound harsh & upsetting but listen to the end, he explained i needed to find a positive, yes a positive in the lost of my child well of course there isn’t one, there’s no getting on, getting over & forgetting but he continued to explain I needed to find something be proud of Hollie, get funding in the future to do events & raise money for charity in her memory, plan things for when the kids are older, trips around the world, see everything for her through my eyes, take photos & get memories for her. This is what I need, I don’t need to hear ‘I’m sorry’ every birthday & Christmas it wasn’t your fault! I need to know how I’m going to cope for the rest of my life without her & carry this pain along the way, I need support & love. 

So while to begin with it hurt to hear, I now have something to hold on to, plan & look forward to, I’m going to get her a special travel bear to take with us & have photos everywhere we go, I think that’s as good as it can get & that’s the positives he was referring to.

Happy Birthday Princess!! 👸🏼🎂

  

⭐️Hollie’s gifts are a specially made bimble by a very talented friend at ‘BimbleMAKES’ & a memory whale made to weigh the same as her at birth by ‘ Weighed with love’ both can be found on Facebook.

Natalie 🎈