When it’s time for your last born to start school & by this I mean ‘big school’ not their Pre school, the one where they go all day every day & are no longer by your side. For most Mums & Dads this is a very exciting time with lots of emotions about settling in, making friends, will they be ok? Getting that important ‘me’ time back but for those that their last born is their rainbow baby it’s very different.
Having lost a child before Logan came along it makes this time of year extremely worrying, with only afew months until he starts year R I’m panicking on a daily basis, comparing this to when my first daughter started, that was a lot easier.
I am now filled with sheer terror something will happen to him, what if he walks out of the classroom unnoticed? Or the playground? What if he chokes on his lunch? What if he gets lost while going to the toilet? What if he starts crying? I’m not there to help & comfort him, this makes my heart rip inside, but most of all if he decided to try returning home & escaping. I’m sure most will read this & think I’m silly, it’s a school of course that won’t happen & it’s unheard of yes but what if?
My life is full of what if’s because it’s those that actually come true, I now see down the line & see things that could happen, yes it’s rare but it still could!
Having to live like this is hell, most will know it’s because after loosing Hollie, I’ve become an extremely protective parent after all it’s happened once, it could again so my job is to do what I can to make sure it doesn’t while also trying to let him be a child, explore, have fun & enjoy his younger days while making the best memories.
He is very much looking forward to starting school where his bigger sister goes, so over the last few months & those to follow I am preparing him for things like stranger danger, staying where you are told, stick to pavements, looking while crossing a road, toilet trips on his own to help us both deal with this huge change however I don’t think any amount of help is going to calm or ‘fix’ me, after speaking to a doctor about my separation anxieties & the school who have been amazing at showing me it’s going to be ok I am still a wreck & pretty sure I will be camping outside the school to make sure he’s ok!
This has been my ‘job’ now for such a long time, I’m use to one going to school as another comes along until this time there’s no more coming along, I kind of feel redundant & put on the shelf, it’s an exciting time full of opportunities I’ve not experienced & I will be keeping busy for my minds sake with working but this unimaginable, it’s something only parents like me will feel fully & I have to not let it show so my fears don’t rub off on him masking his lovely positive attitude towards his new adventure.
I thought the fears would disappear once he arrived safely in my arms, I was so wrong….they had only just begun!