The week before.

The whole in my heart is getting bigger, the pain is creeping up on me as its getting close to that time of year again.

It’s all I can think about, what would of been your 4th birthday is next week, there’s no happy day though with you still just a little baby. 

I’ve been keeping myself extra busy despite living on just afew hours sleep a night since Christmas, being extra fussy about things, making sure all the washing is done, hoovering at least 5 times a day for any speck on the floor, constant cleaning just to take my mind off things.

This year would of been huge for you, the time where you no longer are referred to as a toddler but more a child now, talking so much I couldn’t shut you up, you would be starting school later this year too, I am missing out on so much & the pain just doesn’t ease.

I have attached myself more to my animals lately, they have always got the best care from me but I’ve recently realised I’ve been mothering them more, buying more toys, treats, beds, the best they can have, maybe this is another way of me dealing with it, I don’t know but I feel comfort when I’m looking after something that depends on me. 

Your birthday this year falls on a Saturday so maybe this will be a time when more family will come to see you as not many have since you’ve been gone which is very upsetting, I put it down to several things mainly that they work & special days like this fall on week days so we shall see, I hope people remember, it would break my heart if they didn’t, it wouldn’t be accepted if I forgot their child’s birthday so why should they mine just because your not here, that’s not normal to me. 

I’ve already got you afew gifts for your day, it’s hard to buy for you I can’t buy normal toys that  you should be enjoying so I have to get ‘keep sake’ gifts, you always get a cake it we don’t do candles, I couldn’t sing ‘Happy birthday’ & have it ending with you not blowing them out, no wishes just silence. We always spend the day with you, making you look pretty with flowers & balloons, showing you your presents but then we have to take them home to go on the shelf or your special box.

Some have told me not to do this, to carry on with the day & not buy things as its more upsetting, how? How can I buy things for my other children & leave one out, I could never be like that. 

So this is the beginning of the road i travel every year, please be patient with me, I get angry over nothing, cry alot, ignore everyone & want people around me, I turn in to someone else to get me through it, im hurting, I just want my baby! 

I love you Hollie 💗  

Natalie ☹️


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