The week before.

The whole in my heart is getting bigger, the pain is creeping up on me as its getting close to that time of year again.

It’s all I can think about, what would of been your 4th birthday is next week, there’s no happy day though with you still just a little baby. 

I’ve been keeping myself extra busy despite living on just afew hours sleep a night since Christmas, being extra fussy about things, making sure all the washing is done, hoovering at least 5 times a day for any speck on the floor, constant cleaning just to take my mind off things.

This year would of been huge for you, the time where you no longer are referred to as a toddler but more a child now, talking so much I couldn’t shut you up, you would be starting school later this year too, I am missing out on so much & the pain just doesn’t ease.

I have attached myself more to my animals lately, they have always got the best care from me but I’ve recently realised I’ve been mothering them more, buying more toys, treats, beds, the best they can have, maybe this is another way of me dealing with it, I don’t know but I feel comfort when I’m looking after something that depends on me. 

Your birthday this year falls on a Saturday so maybe this will be a time when more family will come to see you as not many have since you’ve been gone which is very upsetting, I put it down to several things mainly that they work & special days like this fall on week days so we shall see, I hope people remember, it would break my heart if they didn’t, it wouldn’t be accepted if I forgot their child’s birthday so why should they mine just because your not here, that’s not normal to me. 

I’ve already got you afew gifts for your day, it’s hard to buy for you I can’t buy normal toys that  you should be enjoying so I have to get ‘keep sake’ gifts, you always get a cake it we don’t do candles, I couldn’t sing ‘Happy birthday’ & have it ending with you not blowing them out, no wishes just silence. We always spend the day with you, making you look pretty with flowers & balloons, showing you your presents but then we have to take them home to go on the shelf or your special box.

Some have told me not to do this, to carry on with the day & not buy things as its more upsetting, how? How can I buy things for my other children & leave one out, I could never be like that. 

So this is the beginning of the road i travel every year, please be patient with me, I get angry over nothing, cry alot, ignore everyone & want people around me, I turn in to someone else to get me through it, im hurting, I just want my baby! 

I love you Hollie 💗  

Natalie ☹️


New year, new me? 

My last post was at Christmas time, I’ve been slowing down writing anything for one main reason, the time of year. 

Although it’s a lovely happy time for all, new year celebrations, starting the diet, again! & everyone getting back to work/school, it’s also an incredibly hard time for us. I’m trying to stay happy for my other children here but there’s always that reminder that one isn’t, the start of another year without you. It’s just a reminder of how much has past since & how long I’ve been living as this new me. Not only that but in afew short weeks it will be Hollie’s fourth birthday so from December to March I become very quiet, sad & not able to deal with the world. 

I look at our son Logan who is 10 months younger than her & im thankful that I made the decision to have him straight after as he brings me abit of her in a way, their progress everyday of growing up would be so similar others may find this painful but for me it’s lovely. 

The next month or so I will not be me, I’m in the middle of a road that I have traveled down afew times now & know what’s coming, I may get angry, sad, cry while driving, not want to be around people then crave company so badly it’s all such a roller coaster that I don’t want to be on but have to ride every year! 

For me there is no new year resolutions, events to look forward to but something very upsetting. 

I will try to write posts on my journey as I think that will help me deal with things instead of keeping it to myself, it may help others understand & maybe other angel mummies can take comfort in knowing they are not the only ones going through it but we travel together.

I will try to end each post with something positive as hard as that will be I will find something good that has happened recently. So for this one it will be our 6th Wedding Anniversary was celebrated at new year so it’s not all bad, we didn’t do much just went for a rainy walk with our children & a bottle of our usual Asti was consumed in the evening, we even made it to midnight this year! 


 And…..our dog Lucy had her puppies on New Years Day! 

How about that I found two!! 


Natalie 🍾