Today’s post is quite hard for me to do as I haven’t stopped crying since this morning, I’m really missing my daughter, we haven’t been down to her grave for a while with all the home improvements & lack of time which is probably what it all is, I feel like I’ve abandoned her & I get angry at myself, I wouldn’t leave her out if she was here so why am I doing it? She doesn’t get anything so she should at least get our time! Once I’ve been to see her I feel more relaxed which keeps me going for abit longer.
I keep thinking about having a baby girl & how amazing that would be, it breaks my heart knowing that I’m done with kids I know I should appreciate the ones I have (& I really do to the ends of the earth!) but my mind is still set to have another girl & I don’t think that will ever go away. Our finances & lack of room mean no more for us & for most of the time I’m fine with that but every now & then that longing to have a baby pops up, it could be because I’m a mum, a woman & it’s just programmed in me with the added pain of loosing my daughter means I could always want one.
I thought that yearning would disappear once my son was born & it did for his first year now he’s nearly 3 & I’ve been feeling it creep back getting stronger over time, I already have a girl who’s 7 & I don’t want to replace Hollie so I don’t know why I feel this need for another & quite possibly I could have lots more & still feel this way. Maybe other Angel mummies feel this too & it’s just the normal for us now.
It’s also baby loss awareness month so constant reminders are everywhere, which will shortly be followed by Christmas without her again then her 4th birthday, this time of year is hard!
I just have to concentrate on the positive things I have planned now that I’m nearly in the position to do them. More time with my horses, training & showing next year, watching my children grow in to the beautiful beans that they are & one day exploring the world.
Until we are together again…..