Today I’m going to share my beautiful daughter Hollie & spread stillborn awareness.
It’s 2011 & after a year of trying I find out we’re expecting, of course completely over the moon we make the announcement to family. The pregnancy went well with the usual check ups, I suffered with spd as I do with all my children.
We find out we’re having a girl due 25th Feb 2012 & are over the moon, we prepare by changing & decorating rooms, buying all her clothes & mosses basket ready for her arrival.
At 37weeks on Sunday 5th February 2012, I suddenly realise she hasn’t moved all day, I panic & ring my dad for advise who says it’s probably nothing but to get checked. I know though before that call, I knew the second I realised there was no movement that she left us.
We sorted our older children with a babysitter & headed up to the hospital, explained our concerns & they agreed to see us, starting with the doppler which didn’t pick anything up, at this point I’ve started crying & my husband tried to reassure me. We are then told to wait while they get the scan machine ready in another room, this is obviously done away from the other pregnant women so not to scare them but what about me!
We are lead into another room & the scan is done, I hear nothing, it was the longest wait of my life before the lady turns & tells me there’s no heart beat!
I then scream as loud as I’ve ever screamed before, my heart had just been stabbed a thousand times & I’ve never felt this much pain before in my life, this cannot be happening, not to us, my precious little girl is gone.
I was then told I can go home to wait for nature to take its course or be induced, I then realised I would have to through labour, for nothing, more pain for nothing, I asked for a c section but they said this was the best way for the grieving process so I opted to be induced to get this over with as quickly as possible.
The following morning I returned to the hospital for the worst day of my life in the company of my husband, mum in law & step mum.
For most part of the day I was in slow labour until things picked up late afternoon, she was born at 4.07pm weighing 6lb 15 absolutely perfect but silent, I expected her to cry, to breathe but nothing instead it was us that cried.
We had footprints & photos done of her & my husband got to dress her & I got to spend the night with her not that I really slept I just stared at her begging her to move.
Nothing really prepares you for that pain, it’s something you hope you never have to go through & always think it won’t be me but it does happen, Hollie had a knot in her cord which stopped the blood flow going through it, this isn’t picked up on scans & it should be.
Other babies die of similar reasons of which can be prevented with extra care & help.
This needs to change!
Over the next two weeks after having Hollie we continued to visit her every day in hospital & the night before her funeral she came home with us, again nothing prepares you for taking home your baby in a coffin instead of a car seat, to see their bed & clothes which they will never actually use.
For her funeral we chose a beautiful natural burial site where she will be forever in the forest with animals, it’s perfect for her & ‘Somewhere over the rainbow’ as her song.
Those weeks after we had to adjust to our new life, I could barely go out the house, I was suppose to be pushing a pushchair & now have empty arms, I had two children to explain things to, how do you even begin to do that so they understand? I avoided shops as I couldn’t see pregnant women or babies, the school play ground was hell, what did they think? One minute I have a huge belly then nothing!
All those firsts we are going to miss, Christmas & her birthday were extremely hard & now nearly 4years later it’s still hard but a different kind, people are carrying on with their lives & expect you to too but how can I, my little girl will be 4 in February next year, she is meant to be close to starting school & im not going to see that, I’ve missed her first words, steps, everything it’s not just what happened that day but I’ve lost the rest of my life, our future.
Everyday is a wonder of what she would look like now, what foods would she like, her favourite programme, it’s always on my mind & the more time that goes on the more it feels like forever.
People start to forget, I get comments regarding how many children I have all the time they know I have 4 but slip & say 3 which is upsetting.
I cannot remember the person I was before that day I may seem ok on the outside as I smile & carry on helping other people’s problems that seam nothing compared to this, I still laugh to hide answering the ‘are u ok?’ Question because if I actually answered it I would break down & they wouldn’t know how to response.
Everyday all I think of is u, Hollie Rosalie Inkpin, my forever baby.